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May 06, 2004

Cue The Rembrants

Can someone please explain why I have this sudden need to tape the two hour "Friends"-palooza tonight on NBC? I don't even like "Friends." What the heck is wrong with me? I hate all (well, most) of the stupid character plots, and all the ridiculuous "antics" of Joey, Monica, Chandler, Ross (God, I hate David Schwimmer. His voice is so obnoxious) Phoebe, and Rachel. And for the record, why is it that in ten years' worth of episodes, you have to literally strain your eyes to see a single Black, Latino, or Asian person walking around in New York City? C'mon now. That's just dumb.

But it's not even the race card that really bothers me (I wouldn't normally bring that up, but I wrote an entire paper on it for Comparative Studies winter quarter, and it recieved a nice, shiny 'A'). It's the fact that I just don't understand how everyone can keep toting "Friends" as quality television. True, it isn't the mindless crap you see regularly on FOX, like "The Swan," or "Temptation Island," but was it ever really that strong of a comedy? Maybe it's because the jokes aren't really directed to me... I don't "get" them. But the fact is, that "Friends" is pretty much a thirty-minute soap opera contained in cute, NBC sitcom packaging. Ross' ex-wife is a lesbian. Phoebe's been a surrogate mother. Joey's loved Rachel silently since God knows when. Rachel got pregnant with Ross' child after a nice round of drunken sex. That last one really bothers me... Is that supposed to be funny? "Oops... I got drunk, and now you're pregnant! Cool!"

Pfffft. Like I said, I don't get it.

When you have to keep reinventing storylines like that for the characters of a show, it's lost its value. It's jumped the shark. "Friends" could've ended three or four years ago (Around the time of Monica and Chandler's season-finale wedding extravaganza... One of you "Friends" fanatics will have to correct me if I'm wrong), and no one would have had to suffer through Phoebe's marriage to Mike, Rachel's pregnancy, or any more of Chandler's awful jokes.

"I'll be there for you," the Rembrants sing while the six Friends drench themselves in that fountain during the opening credits. But the Rembrants weren't really there for anybody, and neither were the Friends. The whole show was designed around the premise of six self-absorbed Manhattanites with nothing else to do but bitch about their lives (or lack therof). Everybody's slept with everybody, everybody's cheated on everybody else, and everybody's lied, stolen, or ruined the lives of their respective friends. And yet, with all that slap-happy backstabbing, everybody's still blissfully content to sit around and whine about their two-dimensional WASP lifestyles over a good cup of mocha frappuccino.

I guess this makes a win-win situation for the network producers, blurring the lines of what we are and who we want to be. "Friends" is a dream world sitcom that has succeeded in creating a society of self-absorbed Midwesterners with nothing else to do but bitch about the lives of the imaginary Friends (or lack therof). The show is basically a weekly dose of Preppy Yuppie Civilization 101, forcing you to practice Chandler's cold-cutting sarcasm in every available conversation. Viewers are encouraged to paint their living rooms royal purple and hang eclectic '90s memorabilia all over the walls. And while you may not have a neighborhood hangout like Central Perk to host your frustrations with the Ross-Rachel-Joey love triangle, the local Starbucks franchise serves just as well. Congratulations, NBC executives: You've proven beyond a doubt that you really do reap what you sow.

For me, the 200+ episodes of "Friends" pretty much sum up the Friday morning conversation pieces of the last ten years of my life. And being twenty years old, that's a pretty significant chunk of my pre-adolescent and teenage years spent worrying over Ross and Rachel's wishy-washy relationship. On Friday mornings, everyone wanted to know what everyone else thought about Phoebe's twin sister, or Tom Selleck guest starring as Monica's rich boyfriend. I've been robbed of precious homeroom time, time that could have been better spent finishing the last half of those calculus problems I ignored while trying to watch anything other than "Friends" on a Thursday night.

"Omigod, did you watch 'Friends' last night?"
"Hey, did you hear what Chandler said when Joey found out he and Monica were having sex?"
"Did you see what Phoebe did after her sister came over?"

No, no, a thousand times no. I did not watch "Friends" last night, or last week, or even last month. I don't have my VCR or TiVo programmed to snatch every previously aired sighting of six gibbering yuppies. I didn't cut my hair to look like Jennifer Aniston. I did not worry about the future character plots involving the infamous monkey or the goose/chicken (whatever). I don't clap along to the theme song. And I couldn't care less that this abomination of a show is finally over.

So why am I so into taping the show for posterity? It's not like I'm going to dig that tape out and watch it three years from now. I may have watched the occassional episode of "Friends" in syndication on FOX or TBS, but I've never actually treasured any of those reruns. Maybe I'm just getting caught up in the whole "End of an Era" syndrome. First "Sex and the City," now "Friends" and "Fraiser," and then later on, "The Drew Carey Show," and "The Parkers." Is TV dying? Or are most people too dependent to let go?

Oh, and by the way... This must be the best quote EVER found at Jump the Shark:

"Take five or six people who look like models that just walked out of a clothing store catalog. Make the situation that they all live in or near the same apartment and stuff words in their mouths that demographics indicate the widest majority of active consumers will find amusing. Add occasional non-risque social commentary which everyone will agree upon, mixed in with random foolishness about a monkey or whatever, and stir briskly. Then spend millions of dollars on publicity and advertising to convince the American people that Friends is THE [most] sensational program EVER, and you got yourself a hit."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Today's Soundtrack: "Talk About Our Love," Brandy featuring Kanye West

Best Part of the Day: Thank GOD "Friends" is over! Now all six of the cast members can roll back in their graves with their millions of dollars and leave the rest of us alone.

posted at 7:26 a.m.

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