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November 06, 2003
The Feminine Mystique
I need a taco.
Very, verrry badly.
As random as that sounds, the pending contractions of my uterine walls would beg to differ. You see, I don't get the usual (And when I say "usual," I mean "stereotypical") PMS symptoms that you see on TV. I'm not usually grouchy, sleepy, irritable, or discombobulated. Nor do I become unbelieveably bloated or bombarded with headaches. No, Mother Nature has decided to punish me by giving me wild, temptuous hormones during the first week of the month. Right before I start raiding my closet for tampons, I become as hungry and horny as hell.
The two hormones seem to come and go in waves. One minute, I'm ready to devour an entire box of Cheez-Its, surfing through the snack food aisle for the saltiest, cheesiest crap I can gnaw my teeth on. But then as soon as I've inhaled the first handful of Cheez-Its--Bam! I'm a pit bull in heat, ready to pounce on the first bit of man meat that I can sniff out.
It's a strange combination.
So right now, I need a taco. A nice, fat taco; complete with dribbling sour cream and guacamole. Ahhh, guacomole... And some black olives. And a little marinated chicken, with some cheddar jack cheese... God, just thinking about it is giving me some kind of oral orgasm (If that doesn't get a heap of Googlings, I don't know what will). I've been stuffing myself with Mexican and Chinese food for the past few days, hoping to satisfy my hunger fantasies, but it doesn't seem to be working. Keeping my woman-parts satisfied is a difficult job.
I can only wonder what'll happen to me if I ever get married... I'll be like some deprived, sex-crazed goddess at the first of every month, just like clockwork. I guess that'll keep my husband happy, but then we'll probably be up to our eyeballs in kids. Are you more likely to get pregnant just before or after you get your period? I never could remember that in the eighth grade... And to think I wanted to be a gynecologist...
Today's Soundtrack: "Ironic," Alanis Morissette
Best Part of the Day: Grilled salsa wraps from Oxley's.
posted at 7:28 p.m.
