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September 26, 2003

Always Fighting Temptation

On my way to Jimmy John's yesterday, I saw Not-So-Gay Matt crossing Eleventh Avenue, looking... well... gay. Which isn't saying much, I know, but still. What are you supposed to say to a man who is blatantly runs against the rules of natural gaydar? It's painful, to be sure. Don't remember me ever mentioning NSG Matt? Well, lemme tell you...

Being paired with Matt as one of two RA shadows was very errm... interesting. He's a great person, don't get me wrong. The only problem is that he has this funny obsession with proving to the general public that he is, in fact, a genuine, bonefide, female-licking heterosexual; a battle that he is losing very, very badly.

"I don't know why the hell people seem to think I'm gay," he would tell me a thousand times a day. "'Cause I'm not. I'm really not. I've even got a girlfriend, you know."

"Yeah, well, I don't really think any one really cares if you are or not," I tried to console him gently. "I mean, I certainly don't have a problem with it--"

"I always wanted to get my nipples pierced," he would interrupt spastically, tickling the pert little bumps poking out from his tight muscle tank. "But I'm afraid it would hurt too much, you know?"

"Nipple rings: Definitely painful," I agreed, squirming at the thought.

"Yeah, but they're such a turn-on, though. I think I'm really gonna do it someday. They make me feel just plain randy."

And then I would shrug and mention something about getting back to work--which would last for a good three mintues before he interrupted the whole session by commenting that "Jon Bon Jovi is sooo sexy nowadays," or "That guy is fucking hot! Did he step out of Chippendale's or what?"

See what I'm dealing with?

So when he wasn't commenting on how good Justin Timberlake looked in his "Rock Yo' Body" video, or how small his almost non-existent ass appeared in his tight jeans, I was busy reaffirming his sexuality 24/7. "Oh no, you don't look gay in that mesh tank top," and "Gee, you look cute with those sandals on today," became regular sayings. A few times, he'd go on a tangent and complain about how anorexic his girlfriend was, temporarily forgetting his spontaneous flirtation with homosexuality. But then after he'd weaned me into the conversation, he'd start in with something else that made me wonder if he'd just made the girlfriend up entirely. They'd just recently broken up, and he was still touched by it.

"I'm really the sensitive one in the relationship," he'd tell me and Jessica, the RA we were shadowing. "I'm still not even over my last girlfriend, so I've been pretty emotional lately." Or so he said.

One night, after watching him parade around the dorm lounge as George Michael in tight Diesel jeans, I felt like attaching a big, bright Post-It note to his forehead: "DEAR MATT: YOU'RE GAY. GET ON WITH IT. THAT'S LIFE."

Yep, that ought to do the trick. The whole thing's just fucking golden, I tell you.

Today's Soundtrack: "The Bad Touch," The Bloodhound Gang

Best Part of the Day: Impulsive shopping in the mall! Hurrah!

posted at 10:11 p.m.

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