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December 27, 2004

Uh-Huh, This My Shit. All The Girls Stomp Your Feet Like This

You know, it's one thing for you to know when you're fat, but it's entirely different when someone else has to point it out to you.

I know this is a problem. I hate mirrors. I hate buying clothes. I hate trying things on. I hate walking past the mannequins on display on my way to work. I hate feeling too tall, too wide, too too full, too short, too flat.

And the sad thing is that I know that this person was only trying to help. She even made it worse by starting out with, "...I hope this doesn't insult you, but..."

Well, yeah, I'm sorry to say it, but it does insult me, thank you very much.

I'm a very insecure person, but you wouldn't really know it by the way I act. I've come up with this very clever game, you see, where I don't force myself to look in any sort of mirrors (be they hand-held, vanity, bathroom, or compact), and I say a silent prayer before pulling zippers up or down. I've become overly cautious about wearing particular pieces of clothing so that they don't show too much of my shoulders, or my backside, or my chest. I layer shirts under sweaters so that you can never be too sure what part of me is really there. And somehow (this is the kicker), I've found a way to completely remove myself from a room. I make it so that I don't exist at all, so that the space I take up isn't the focus of attention. I erase my presence from every conversation, and try to blend in with my surroundings as much as possible.

Pathetic, yes. But it's worked for a long time.

I've compensated everything on the outside with all the things I've learned to do on the inside. To everyone else, I'm a leader. Responsible. Organized, thoughtful, considerate, and intelligent. The thing is, no one would ever guess that I'm so overwhelmed with being everything to everyone that I don't even know who I am inside.

I know I've made New Year's Resolutions before, but this one is different. This isn't just some promise I can make to myself, hoping that by sometime in March it'll be forgotten. I need to give myself a good kick in the ass and hope that the bruise lasts throughout the rest of the year. I need to do this for me, me, and ME. I need to stand up for myself.

Today's Soundtrack: "Hollaback Girl," Gwen Stefani

Best Part of the Day: After-Christmas sales!

posted at 6:21 p.m.

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