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September 15, 2004

Hullo, Asshat!

WARNING: This entry is chock-full of images, and they may not load correctly the first time you read through. If you hit "refresh" enough, they ought to show up sooner or later.

I went to bed last night after watching a dose of both Conan O'Brien and my copy of Ben Folds Five's Sessions at West 54th. I ordinarily would have spent more time with Conan, but his guest last night was Donald Trump, and I didn't have the patience to sit and watch two middle-aged white guys with weird red hair sit around and come up with witty banter all night long. I guess you've gotta hand it to the Donald--as bad as his toupée artist is, he's kept the same guy around for at least twenty years. Just for kicks, I suppose. And Conan... Well, I could go on and on about that little Dairy Queen swirl of his, but I'll save that for another day. It's just that the two of those together didn't make for great television. I tried paying attention to half of Conan's comments, but instead, I kept getting lost between Conan's double-dipped swirl (There I go again!), and the Donald's roadkill comb-over. It was distracting, so say the least.

I wasn't going to mention this, but since I've already moseyed on into the Embarrassing Television Watching Habits Territory, I guess I might as well continue...

Last Sunday, after getting a dose of this season's "Surreal Life" (I hope Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav are using protection. Really.), Marc and I sat down for a late-nite screening of "Bands Reunited" on VH1. I've really never watched the show before, just because almost every single band or group they've ever featured happened to break up circa 1986, and their Greatest Hits albums are all collecting dust on either vinyl records or cassette tapes. So you can imagine my surprise when this week's episode featured none other than (drumroll) New Kids on the Block.

Huzzah?! What's that? New Kids on the Block are reuniting? Did this mean that Joey, Jordan, Jonathan, Donny, and that other guy were going to put their differences aside and give the world one more round of "The Right Stuff?" Would millions of twenty-something women finally find themselves able to pull those NKOTB moist towelettes out of the storage center? Was the group up for another tour with Tiffany?!

This was going to be some good cheesy television.

I sat back in the couch and watched as the host flew across the country in search of all the New Kids members. First on the list was Jordan, who was looking much chubbier since his days on the Block, but otherwise had his senses about him.

And so our host does his little song and dance, and somehow, convinces Jordan that he should DROP all responsibilities relating to his (lame) "Surreal Life" gig, and hop on his magical carpet to join the rest of the New Kids on stage. Then Jordan, looking as happy as a newborn baby with gas, eagerly says, "Yes."

And so the quest is on! With Jordan signed on to the project, our fearless host now has to persuade Jordan's anxiety ridden, and famously camera shy brother, Jonathan, to join, too. (Editor's Note: Even though Jordan could have easily sung the lead on the group's songs without his younger brother on hand, the producers at VH1 must be eager to tape a panic attack on basic cable television. I guess they hoped it might wind up being the next Paris Hilton Sex Tape for the anti-depressant crowd).

We first spot our victim star outside a totally random and normal looking hotel room, looking to do a routine drug deal porn bust interview. Doesn't he look positively thrilled to see our cameras shoved in his face?

Somehow, for some reason only known to God, our host manages to sit Jonathan down for the interview, and pitches the idea of the show.

HOST: So we talked to your brother out in Vegas, and we asked him what he thought about maybe getting the five of you guys back together for one last farewell show. He agreed to do it, but sent us over here to find out what you think, Jonathan.

Long, uncomfortable pause.

JONATHAN: Uhhh... Jordan said that?

HOST: Yeah, definitely. He says that whatever happens is going to be entirely up to you guys. He'd love to do another show in front of thousands of your biggest fans. Just another big, hot stage with the five of you guys performing some of your biggest hits, before a stadium of wild, screaming women. The lights, the noise, the music, the cameras, the publicity... It'll be great!

Another long, uncomfortable pause. Jonathan shifts in his seat, and holds back tears.

¡COMMERCIAL BREAK!

And then we're whirled right back to the face of the host, who, for whatever reason, has somehow gotten Jonathan to agree to basically impale himself on stage in front of thousands of New Kids obsessed women. Wasn't Jonathan supposed to be the one who flipped out at the sight of a Fuji camcorder? The one who was so quiet and shy that it was almost easier for everyone to think he was gay? What the hell happened to the chills, and the sweats, and the Donny Osmond panic attacks? How VH1 did that, I'll never know. The magic of television never ceases to amaze me.

Now if you know anything about the New Kids (Which I don't, but it's fun to pretend), you know that Jordan, being the lead singer of the group, was obviously its backbone. And if Jordan's going to hop back on the New Kids bandwagon, his little brother Jonathan is going to make damn well sure he pops a whole case of Paxil in order to do the show with him. But the Knight brothers weren't the only essential part to the group. The VH1 producers knew they had to go for the big fish here... And that meant fishing for Joey.

Joey McIntyre was supposedly the "cute" one in the group, but since I was hardly ten years old when the guys broke up, I don't remember much about him. But somebody obviously realized that even if Jordan, Jonathan, Donny and What's-His-Name commit to the NKOTB Class Reunion, the whole thing doesn't mean anything without Joey. I mean, where would the Beatles be without John Lennon? The Monkees without Davy Jones? The Jackson 5 without Michael? NSYNC without Justin Timberlake? You just can't have a New Kids-Palooza without Joey. You just can't.

So back in Boston, our SUPER SECRET cameras catch Joey while he's busy doing what he thinks is an ordinary interview when...

IN COME THE PRODUCERS!

HOST: So yeah, we're basically thinking about getting you guys back together to do a New Kids reunion and junk, and since you're like, the "cute one," or whatever, we kinda need you to sign on to this project.

JOEY: (In thick Bostonian accent) No.

HOST: No? You're not willing to give your fans one last chance to say goodbye after all these years? You're not going to get back together with Jordan, Jonathan, Donny, and What's-His-Name for a final performance of "Right Stuff?"

JOEY: No. I don't need the New Kids anymore. I'm doin' big stuff, now. Big stuff! Did you see my cameo appearances on "Boston Public" two seasons ago? Did you?

HOST: Uh... no.

JOEY: Forget you man. Forget the New Kids, too. I'm doin' like, community theatre shit now. I got my name in lights again--and just my name, with nobody else's to steal the spotlight. And it's real work, too. None of that mass-produced crap. Last summer, I was a understudy in the neighborhood production of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I wouldn't do that "Hang Tough" number again for anything.

HOST: Not even for a million dollars?

JOEY: Looks up brightly You got a million dollars?

HOST: Chuh. No.

JOEY: Fuck this, man. I'm outta here.

And that, my friends, is when the proverbial shit hit the fan. The whole show folded after that, with the host quickly wrapping up the show saying that even though only two of the original five members would actually commit to a reunion special, it didn't mean that the New Kids would lose a place in our hearts. And even though Joey McIntyre was a total ass hat on camera, ruining the kitsch factor of the entire show, I'm sure I can find it in my heart to forgive him. I mean, there's always that DVD boxed set of "Boston Public" to look forward to, right?

All images were found, downloaded, and pirated courtesy of Vh1.com, which advocates mindnumbing nostalgia in the form of "Where Are the Now?" "Pop Up Video," and the dearly-loved "I Love the [Insert Decade Here]" specials.

posted at 9:48 p.m.

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