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December 09, 2003
Inquire Within
WANTED:
Single, (straight!) intelligent male as appropriate "companion" for single, HIGHLY-intelligent black female. Must not smoke, fart incessantly, or vote Republican. Must also enjoy overly-critiquing modern film, eating Chinese and Mexican cuisine, and understand minor fetish of both Tom Cruise and Anderson Cooper.
Skills: As a recent college graduate, applicant will possess sizeable literary knowledge as well as intense dry wit. Television and film history is highly recommended, although not necessary. Interested applicants must be able to impress parents, friends and family with charm and intelligence, as well as supply spur-of-the-moment romantic surprises. Applicant must be comfortable with himself in nearly all situations, hold women in high regard, and hold a strong distaste for the likes of Hugh Grant and Colin Farrell. Must not masturbate to the thought of Carmen Electra, Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears, Halle Berry, or the Olsen Twins. Creativity and forethought are necessary attributes, and strong writing skills and musical ability (namely piano) are just as positive. Accessories such as TiVO and Direct TV are greatly desired. Enjoys acting like a complete and total idiot in front of strangers for occasional hilarity, and is not afraid of possible serenade sessions. For diversity and conversational purposes, applicant must be familiar with the likes of both Tupac Shakur and Ben Folds. Graduates of New York University will go through an extensive interviewing process in order to identify any undesireable "I'm Better Than You Because I Went to a Real Film School" traits.
Appearance: Ideal candidates are clean shaven (in general), wear non-offensive deodorant, and have large dimples on either face or buttocks. Clean hair, nails and teeth are not optional, but mandatory, as well as the regular changing of underwear. In relation to the previous statement, metrosexuality is a plus, as future candidate may be forced to watch unparalleled hours of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" marathons on Bravo. Applicant may be of any race or nationality, as this is an Equal Opportunity Relationship (EOR); however, for sexual reasons, preference is given to anyone with a thick Latin accent. Those with names such as Armando, Matt, Tyler, Brian, Sean, and Joe will have a leg up on the competition. Applicants wearing mullets, fuzzy goatees, lip piercings, and NASCAR paraphanelia need not apply.
Future Goals: Relationship requires high amounts of dedication and great time constraints, so applicant must be able to maintain position for unknown period of time. Marriage is optimal, but only to be considered after lengthy association and a review of current stock portfolio. A sense of commitment is necessary, as this will be subject to review after a mandatory six month period. Interested "fuck buddies" should stop reading this advertisement and proceed to their nearest adult video store for the latest edition of "Girls Gone Wild."
Personal Statement: After meeting the above requirements, potential candidates must complete a mandatory 500 word (minimum) essay in response to the following prompt:
Why I, the man of your dreams, have been missing your entire life.
Attention will be given to themes of personality, impulsiveness, intelligence, extended metaphors, as well as grammar and mechanics. We look forward to recieving your application.
Today's Soundtrack: "Simple Kind of Life," No Doubt
Best Part of the Day: N/A
posted at 9:12 a.m.
