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April 25, 2005

The Not-So-Jersey Girl

If New Jersey is known as the Garden State, why do so many people complain about it? Last week at work, I had a former Jersey native tell me that she thought that New Jersey was "an armpit," and that if I should ever fly into Newark to get to NYC, I should leave as soon as possible. Good advice, I guess. But really, an armpit? Is Jersey really that bad? And since when did we start assigning body parts to states? They ought to start putting that kind of thing on license plates, so that people can drive by and see that NJ is holds the title of the "Garden State That Reeks of Armpit," or something like that.

Back in the day, Ohio licenses used to read: "Ohio! The heart of it all!" Which is false advertising, if you ask me. Yes, Ohio's borders form a somewhat convincing shape of a heart. But there's really nothing in Ohio that's heartworthy or loveable. Cleveland? Gross. Cincinnati? How's about Cincinnasty? And Columbus? Nobody outside of Ohio ever seems to remember that Columbus is the state capital, so it really doesn't do us any good to mention it at all. Although back in 2003 (I think), we were named the 10th Fattest City in America, so I guess that gives us some clout (Not much, but some).

Anyway, forget your pre-conceived mental map of Red States and Blue States! There's a whole new way to celebrate American diversity through body parts. Now if New Jersey is America's armpit, and Ohio is its heart, where's the nation's nipple state? Double chin? Glass eye? Pancreas? Testicles (Personally, I'm voting Alabama in as the Great Testicular State, just because that sounds ridiculously cool.)?

...Something tells me that I'm going to be working on this for a long time.

posted at 7:51 a.m.

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