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September 01, 2003

Within the Land of Lincoln

After catching subsequent buses, subway trains, taxi cabs, airplanes, and SUVs, I have found my way back home from Chicago. The sad thing is that I'm missing it already, which tells me that as soon as graduation 2006 rolls around, I'm not going to be wasting too much time finding a job and an apartment somewhere outside of Queens, New York. The snobby, bourgoise part of me just loves the sophisticated way that sounds.

Anyway, this year's trip to Chicago wasn't any less interesting. We ended up skipping the wedding entirely, since the invitations distinctly forbid anyone to bring their children along to the reception. Of course, I'm quite sure that Marc, Danielle and myself were well out of the "children" category, Mom didn't want to take any risks. So we screwed the distant cousins over by not showing up at their exclusive shindig. It's just as well; we didn't even bring them presents or anything, which is pretty tacky in my opinion. I mean, you don't just show up to a wedding party for someone you barely know and freeload off of their cake and ice cream for three hours. The whole thing was a bad situation to begin with.

Last night, after catching the bus with Danielle at State Street, I ended up sitting next to a middle aged woman wearing a pair of purple, bug-eyed glasses. She seemed innocent enough--I wasn't going to bother talking to her unless she started anything. And even then, I wasn't prepared for what came out of her mouth.

"My, my, you sure have some large boobs," she noted, smiling with this weird look of intrigue.

What the hell????!

"I always thought I had a large chest, but I guess you've got me beat there," she added happily, with this even weirder laugh.

"Ummmm... yeah, I guess I do," I nodded uncomfortably. What the heck are you supposed to say to something like that. "Oh, yes, and there 100% real, too. No silcone here, honey!" I don't think so. My boobs are my business, and I certainly didn't need to be checked out by some crazed, horny woman on the city bus. I was trying to cover up my chest with my arms, but I was wearing a tight V-neck t-shirt, and it had been raining that day, and I was still pretty soaked and spotty. There wasn't anyway to pack anything back in.

"Well, you'll certainly end up making a lot of male friends, you know. They're attracted to that sort of thing. Sex appeal, you see."

"Errrr... That's what I've heard, too."

I could've just died on the floor at this point.

She leaned back and laughed some more, still staring at my chest. Then she played with her own bra straps as if giving me some kind of innuendo. "That's right... Men sure do like that sort of thing. You take your time and pick yourself out a good one, now. Don't give those things away to just anyone."

"No, ma'am. I won't." By now, there was an Indian couple staring at me, in addition to the tourist types sitting up front behind us. I could feel them just groping me with their eyes.

"You might end up putting your back out when you're older, but right now you're young, and you look pretty firm, so you oughta be okay for a while. Just gotta get the right kinda support, that's all..."

"Yes, ma'am..." I looked up and found a Walgreen's only a block away from the hotel. "Well, this is my stop," I lied, signaling for Danielle to get up from her own seat across the bus.

"All right then, you take care now," she nodded, rolling back to go into some kind of trance sleep.

"Yes, ma'am. You, too," I smiled as I made my way to the back of the bus and into the cold rain.

Sometimes, you just can't win.

Today's Soundtrack: "I Get Lonely," Janet Jackson

Best Part of the Day: Complimentary peanuts.

posted at 5:47 p.m.

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