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December 19, 2003

Melodramatic

Written February 11th, 2001

For anyone who may have secretly been wondering about my issues with Matt, here they are... Just about everything here puts all of that in the open. I found this cluttering up the inbox to my e-mail, and I figured it deserved another run-through. Remembering stuff like this is important, but it only makes me think just how overly-melodramatic and insane I was back then. I wouldn't want to go back to that for anything in the world.

Brent ----- is gay.

And the world as I know it is literally crashing to the ground.

I don't know *what* to think, I haven't even gotten all the details from Matt yet; who stayed up into the wee hours of the morning consoling a sobbing, helpless boy within his arms. I only found this out last night, and i haven't been able to function since. It's 6:49 right now, but I've spent the last twelve hours sobbing into Matt's favorite plaid shirt, clutching the tiny Coca-Cola bear he gave me last Christmas; just wanting to slip into the fetal position. I can't do this--my eyes are sore and red from all my crying and my throat... God, I can hardly breathe sometimes.

The fact that Brent has confessed his sexuality to Matt gives me mixed emotions. If there was anyone to confess to, it'd be Matt, without question. There's just something about him that makes him so approachable, and his patience; his patience just blows me away. But the idea that Brent could ever feel anything romantically for Matt of all people is inconcieveable, I can't picture it. Not saying that Brent *does* (Matt's assured me that that isn't true), but just the mere *thought*... it doesn't seem real.

Actually knowing the truth is wonderful, but I wonder if it's actually worth all the commotion. I think my blood pressure has risen about eight points in the last day. I don't have anything against Brent even after Matt's told me, but it's still scary. I've never thought about what it'd be like to deal with anything like this, I've really been so naive. Although I wasn't there with Brent and Matt Friday night, I still feel as if I've learned something from all of this. That and last night will have both affected the way I'll live my life forever. So much change, so much pain... Who knew that the final day of "Truth Week" would present to me one of the largest obstacles of my life?

Matt says that he loves Brent. Not romantically, I know, but he didn't have to say much more than that for me to understand what's going on. I've *know* since the start of last week, I knew where all of this was going long before Matt actually told me anything. Matt cares about Brent in the same way that I care about Matt--not some awkward romantic relationship, but something that involves an incredible amount of empowering love and trust; a relationship that cannot be measured in words or thoughts.. It's the kind of thing that sends a person on an emotional and spiritual high, something surreal and triumphant, surpassing anything found in either the strongest of friendships or romances... it's inexpressable, it's just an emotion that must be felt for one's self, a type of unrequited love that most people don't know...

I feel that way about Matt.

But I know he doesn't feel that way about me.

He kept telling me not to get upset, just 'try to understand.' And I *do* understand... the emotion, that is. I've lived that everyday within the last year. What I'm struggling to comprehend is the loss of a best friend. Things can't and wont' be the same anymore, no matter how much I'd love to believe that I'm not in a sense being 'replaced.' I can't live without Matt as my best friend, but me not as his. That sort of thing is mutual, it *can't* be one-sided. How can I keep pouring emotion into a person without getting the same (if not more) in return? How can I live that way?

And yet I can't leave Matt. There's no place else for me to go, I feel abandoned. Now I know how he must have felt the need to commit suicide after his fall-out with Ryan... Granted, suicide isn't the answer, but without Matt, I honestly have nothing. I can't start over with anyone else because I have no one else. I have nowhere to go, I can see that now. Maybe it's my own fault for being so trusting, so naive... But I can't start over with the risk of being slapped in the face a second time. I can't go into another relationship after knowing the best one I've ever had came with these results... how am I to know things won't end up getting worse with each progressive attempt? It hurts me more and more, the one thing in my life that I was absolutely sure if is suddenly sinking beneath my feet. I'm just sick with confusion, nothing makes sense anymore.

He thought I'd be angry... I honestly thought he'd have more faith in me than that, but I can see where anyone could find the right to be angry. Maybe that'll come in time for me. Right now all I can do is sit and stare in total disbelief, it's all I can do to keep myself from bawling again.

Matt is a million reasons and more for me to do anything, I could capture just about all I wanted from life with him by my side. But now I see that he and Brent are flying away from me... I feel as if I've been left to rot within the ground.

I remember feeling as if I were 'second-best' when compared to Ryan, but I pushed that feeling away, confident that I could love Matt without necessarily owning that treasured title of 'best friend.' I was only lying to myself, I know, but it was the best way for me to stifle any rising forms of jealousy and resentment. But this time... this time I don't think I can settle for second best, I think I deserve to have someone who holds me in the same regard I do for them. I can't live with the left-overs, I can't survive on left over love spoils... And yet, I know that I can't find anyone better than Matt, I can't live my life without him. I can't and *I don't want to.* Everything is so confusing, so heart wrenching.

'I'm sorry... I'm sorry,' That's what he kept saying last night. I know I'm not quite going through as much as he is at the moment, but I don't believe anyone is quite as sorry as I am now. At least *he* has someplace to go from here... and I've been nearly left to drown here by myself. I love him, God, I love him more than anything I own, anyone I know; more than my own life itself. I'd do anything he needed of me, and I still will. And in myheart I know that I've got to let him do what it is he needs to do with Brent, I wouldn't be a truly loving friend if I didn't see that, even if I don't understand it.

Even it's eating away at me.

I just feel so stupid and duped, as if I've wasted so much time and energy loving and supporting someone, only for it to come to this... I don't regret anything I've ever done with or for Matt. It just saddens me to know that there's a solid chance that come Monday morning, I won't be able to return to that life again... If that should happen, I think I'll crawl into a hole, only to die peacefully.

posted at 10:06 a.m.

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