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November 16, 2003

...And Always More To Come

So I talked to Matt last night.

The truth is, I don't know why I even bother saying anything at all, since every conversation is just another chance for disaster. Half the time, I don't even know if I want to either strangle him, or run up and smother him in a hug (Disturbing, I know). It's like every emotion I have about him comes in extremes; I either want to hate him or love him. Which is exactly why I need to stay away.

He asked me to come out to the school's football game tonight, which just happens to be a big deal over here in Dublin. There's (currently) two high schools in our school district, and they're separated by a river that runs through the middle of the city. On the spoiled, rich-kid side is Coffman, where everybody drives their father's BMW to class. On the slightly-less spoiled, average side is Scioto, the newer school where students drive their mother's used Lexus through the parking lot. A rather big distinction, I know. But in Dublin, that's just enough to create an "us versus them" mentality: The rich kids don't take kindly to the "river rats," and we poor folk aren't jumping up and down at the sight of all the Daddy Warbucks reincarnations, either. So this football game is the real deal, man. A battle of Dublin bragging rights. A chance to shut those river brats up for good.

Thank God we won.

But anyway, that's all besides the point. Even though I had plenty of great excuses not to go (My cousins were over last night, and I rarely get to see them), my decision was really just banked on the fact that I can't stand to see him right now. I'm not ready to get all strung out over a relationship that I ended over two years ago, you know? I get the feeling that he wants to maybe take things slow, so that we'll end up seeing each other as friends again; but I'm not so sure I want any of that to happen.

I told him fleetingly about Brian, and asked him if he thought the age difference (eight years) was a bit much. He told me that it shouldn't be that big of a deal, since he's dating someone three or four years younger than himself. But come on... Three to four years is not the same as seven or eight. There's a BIG gap there; you can't ignore it. But even saying any of this to him was weird... I felt like I was proving myself to him; like this was my way of saying, "I'm over you." If he caught on to that, he didn't show it. We moved on to something else, and it was all forgotten.

All of that talk had me dreaming about Brian last night. I feel awful, because stuff like that makes me feel gushy and vulnerable, and I'm not usually like that. But hey, this dream was good... It was like an hour of Brian make-out sessions being played over and over again in my head. You can't beat that.

Today's Soundtrack: "You Don't Know my Name," Alicia Keys

Best Part of the Day: Shopping at Easton with Tyler and Kayla

posted at 8:21 a.m.

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