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Miss Anything?

To Infinity and Beyond - September 01, 2006
Today's Post - August 26, 2006
Is This Thing On? - August 24, 2006
Finally, Forfeit! - November 06, 2005
So Here's How it Happened... - November 02, 2005

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April 28, 2003

It Could All Be So Simple...

After a good eight and a half hours of sleep, I still feel it. It hasn't gone anywhere. And now it only makes me feel guilty. I've totally screwed up everything--there isn't going to be any home to go to for a while, I know that's for sure.

The thing is, I've spent so much time being angry with my father, that it's built up beyond my control. I couldn't confront it in a decent way... Instead, I bubbled over and just caused a scene that rivals anything that could have possibly been on The Montel Williams Show. I feel evil. I feel deceptive. I feel lied to. I feel confused.

Right now, I'm sure everyone at home is experiencing that awkward "morning after" phase. What are you supposed to do with after you've all jumped down one another's throats and kicked and screamed throughout the house the day before? It's strange... More than anything, it's sad. Very sad. I'm glad I'm not there anymore--Marc drove me home early last night. But I don't think that I'll ever really be able to step inside my front door and feel the same again. I don't think that's possible--I'd be lying to myself if I believed that to be true.

Mom suggested that I go get some counseling--I don't exactly think that's going to cure a majority of problems, anyway. I feel like Matt did whenever his mother would have him see some psychologist. I never could understand why he would resist getting any help, but now it makes perfect sense. I don't want to see one. I'm not going to see one, and that's that.

All afternoon, I kept singing "Ex Factor" silently in my head. Before, those words were just pretty to me. Now they really sting all over.

Did I hurt people?

Yes.

Did they deserve it?

I don't know.

posted at 6:33 a.m.