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September 24, 2005

It Smells Like Feet In Here

No, seriously, it does smell like feet in here. Really sweaty, grimy feet that have been wearing the same pair of socks for the last week, and have picked up traces of feces and already been chewed Bubblicious Gum.

Blecch.

I'm playing the hermit this Saturday night, just because I don't have the energy to go out and pretend that it's in my nature to get mad drunk and blow chunks of a bratwurst, vodka and vermouth mixture on the feet of semi-attractive guys at a club. I don't do well with hearing J-Kwon's "Tipsy" thumping in my ears, and I don't like being packed to the walls with other college types who are looking to get laid. And I sure don't see a point to spending up to $6 for a mixed drink when I could buy a case of the stuff for under $10. I'm not a party girl. And that's okay with me.


M called me out as an attention whore, which is true to some extent. I love being recognized for something I've done well, or being funny or intelligent... But that doesn't mean I have to be "turned on" all the time. If someone really knew me well, they'd know that for the most part, I'm a really introverted person. I don't tell half the people I know most of what I'm thinking or worried about--I get that from Dad. I'm very good a putting on a front so that everyone else can get along easier with or without me around. It just makes more sense that way.

But I've never really been truly extroverted, in any sense of the word. If anyone's seen me acting crazy, it's because I feel comfortable enough around them to let my guard down. I'm not going to act retarded for just any old random redneck I see walking down the street. I may to that to impress my friends, but that's a whole 'nother story entirely. I have issues with trusting the people I meet; I'm always second-guessing their impression of me. And trying to keep up with the standard is even more difficult. I'm extremely self-conscious and judgmental--I have a hard time really being myself in social situations. So to actually get to the point where I'm not nervous takes either a lot of drinks or a lot of courage.

I like writing here because it really isn't so much about the attention or the feedback. No one here knows me personally. No one here has ever even seen me or heard my voice, for that matter. So I feel as though I can say a lot more than I would to other people on daily basis. Maybe not everything... yet. But much more than I'd let on to everyone else.

posted at 8:52 p.m.

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